How Not to Spend Valentine’s Day, Or, A Recipe For Disaster

Some things just seem wholeseome, foolproof and idyllic, like weddings, proms, and family reunions. But life is usually bittersweet, like fine chocolate. We might have a perfect, idealized notion of something in our consciousness, but it often reminds me of that Yiddish proverb: “You know how to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.” Woody Allen, I think. Such is often the case with Valentine’s Day. But this year was going to be different, I thought. I had a great activity for Valentine’s: make confectionery with your partner. It’s, literally, so sweet, and would make a great article, after all.

I sifted through dozens of test recipes for you guys and settled upon my Red-Hot Beauty Hearts. I was so excited! They were *supposed* to be delicious cinnamon gelatin gummy hearts: cheap and easy to make plus they make the ideal gift! However, all I can say is: It. Was. A. Nightmare. A Red-Hot Nightmare.

My bf and I argued the whole time and the hearts were mediocre at best. Not to mention that the event took all day, (or maybe it just seemed that way); left red dye everywhere; and the recipe only yielded about eight or ten minuscule hearts. That’s not a lot of love to go around! To add injury to insult, the cinnamon oil in the candies burned my boyfriend’s eyes when he touched his face! This culinary disaster surprised me, although it probably shouldn’t have. It came from a reputable women’s magazine. But most women’s magazines are filled with vapid, garbage articles about trivial nonsense. I want you, my reader, to know that when I write about trivial nonsense, it’s backed by my guarantee that I will never steer you wrong with how to spend your time or your dollars! And that actually has a name. It’s called journalistic integrity.

So with that in mind, I decided to try yet another recipe for my audience so that you all can experience the joy of successful confectionery with someone you love. This time, that someone was my mother, and the recipe is for her Rich Chocolate Fudge, which has survived three generations of women in my family and, if you can ever master it, is the most delicious hard chocolate candy that you will ever wrap your lips around. With only *six* common ingredients (seven if you want nuts), this spectacular candy is a bit difficult to execute. Technique is everything, so get out your candy thermometer, and get ready to taste a childhood favorite recipe of mine that is almost as complex to master as it is to resist! Unlike my tragic cinammon hearts, however, I can assure you there will be plenty of candy to go around…but once you taste it for yourself, that just might not be the case. This fudge is nothing short of divine! It’s not moist or sticky; it’s hard and dry and melts in your mouth! The texture and density are a joy to experience. And now, without further adieu…..my mother’s Rich Chocolate Fudge!

Ingredients: 3 cups sugar   2/3 cup cocoa powder   1/8 teaspoon salt   1 and 1/2 cups milk   1/4 cup butter   1 teaspoon vanilla

Directions: Butter an 8- or 9-inch square pan and set aside. In a heavy 4-quart saucepan combine sugar, cocoa and salt; stir in milk. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until the mixture comes to a full rolling boil. Boil, without stirring, to 234 degrees F (soft-ball stage) or until syrup, when dropped into very cold water, forms a soft ball which flattens when removed from the water. (Bulb of candy thermometer should not rest on the bottom of the saucepan.) Remove from heat. Add butter and vanilla. DO NOT STIR. Cool at room temperature to 110 degrees F (lukewarm.) Beat with wooden spoon until fudge thickens and loses some of its gloss. Quickly spread into prepared pan; cool. Cut into squares.

Mom’s notes: In lieu of buttering a square pan, Mom always uses a buttered dinner plate instead, above. It’s not as fancy, but yields a better variety of thicknesses in your fudge and usually cools faster. Faster cooling equals instant gratification, and we like that. Mom says that it’s very important not to stir the mixture after it comes to a full rolling boil. And instead of using a candy thermometer, she relies entirely upon the soft-ball test, which, speaking of balls, is a risky move in my opinion. But Mom insists that the candy hardens so quickly that a candy thermometer might be more trouble than it’s worth. She told me that a good rule of thumb is to reduce the chocolate syrup by about half before removing it from the heat and adding your butter and vanilla. Again, you’ll need to move quickly because the fudge sets up fast. Dump your optional chopped walnuts in before you finish beating the fudge, then spread it quickly into the buttered plate or pan. Refrigerate for a few minutes, then enjoy it, while it’s still hot with a tall glass of milk!

In my lifetime, this rich chocolate fudge has become a rite of passage. I hope that you, too, incorporate it into a family tradition, like I have.

Peace. Love. Beauty.